I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
