Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
