I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
