I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
