Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
They took my balls.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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