Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
