Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
