I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize