I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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