hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
if only i could text you this smell
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
