Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
