I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
