in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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