Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
