In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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