Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
