We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
