I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
