Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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