Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
