Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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