dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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