a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
