Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
