i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
The best revenge is premature balding
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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