By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
