Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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