I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
