ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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