There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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