Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
