Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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