No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Randomize
