I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
