Just cropdusted the office
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
