She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
