And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
