We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize