he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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