So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
