did you get engaged???
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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