we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
