Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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