when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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