god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
