I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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