Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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