I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Panties = found
Randomize
