i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
