I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
