yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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