He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
