One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
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