i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize