I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
