First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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