In the future we'll all be gay
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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