im six kinds of drunk right now
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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