I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I cannot find my penis.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
